Baseball is right around the corner, and while the media is flooded with stories about players reporting and various buzz from team camps, there are many other signs that the major league season is approaching. Here are ten of them:
Ten Signs That Baseball Season is Approaching
Friday February 25th, 2011
1. John Kruk emerges from hibernation, immediately kills and eats fifteen salmon.
2. Popular comedian Brian Wilson attempts to locate a baseball uniform in his closet of wacky costumes.
3. Molinas rise from squatting positions, stretch backs, resume squatting positions.
4. The fully-tenured and highly decorated head professor of advanced theoretical physics at the University of Cambridge goes on sabbatical and resumes his side career as Manny Ramirez.
5. Pablo Sandoval stops eating brick-shaped block of cheese, begins eating baseball glove-shaped block of cheese.
6. Bill Simmons begins working columns full of overzealous and undeserved praise for the Red Sox in between columns full of overzealous and undeserved praise for the Celtics.
7. Cameron Maybin purchases a $500 Panda Express gift card and an unbreakable industrial-grade steel super-reinforced toilet for the Petco Park clubhouse bathroom.
8. Albert Pujols begins growing human skin over metal exoskeleton.
9. Tim Lincecum begs his mom to drop him off at Giants spring training in Scottsdale, but not right at the front because he doesn't want the big kids to see her in the car.
10. Brandon Wood heads to the batting cages to perfect his foul-out swing.
Note: this is satire. Duh.
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